I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
