I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
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If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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