you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
