Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
