Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
