Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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