im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
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i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
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The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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