I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
