One girl and one boy is just not enough.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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