i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
a search helicopter?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
