Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Do vagina's smell?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
