I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
