Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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