Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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