You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize