hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
