I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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