I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
