So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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