Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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