Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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