I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize