dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Randomize
