I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i just had sex bonerless
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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