Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
