make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
