that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
