you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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