I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
