She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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