She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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