please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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