the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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