U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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