You smell like stripper and shame
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
