who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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