dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
