There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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