I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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