Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
