Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
