I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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