This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
