Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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