i just wanna soil my oats bro
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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