now i know why i became what i already was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
