I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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