finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i think i just lost a toe
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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