Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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