Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
