Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
