get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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