i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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