the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
