I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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